Feelings

What is normal? everyone’s normal is different and yet we all have this thought as to what normal is.

In some ways being sick or chronically ill can be considered normal because a lot of people in the world struggle with some sort of health condition that affects their daily life (some don’t feel comfortable talking about their condition and so you don’t even know what struggle they live with.) If this is all so average to so many than why does it feel as though we are the only one going through it?


© Amanda English Photography-27

Photo ©Amanda English Photography

Bottom line is no matter how many others go through the same thing you may be experiencing you still sometimes will feel alone, I’ve had times where I have isolated myself. I felt alone and wanted to talk to people but often found myself pushing everyone away. 

The hardest thing about struggling is everyone has their hardships to some it may seem like theirs are less than what you are going through but there truly is no scale of who is going through something harder, everyone deals with things differently. 

Today we all talk about being positive, happy, etc that we forget we are human every emotion must be felt, the good the bad all of them. Do you remember that time you were on the verge of tears and because you felt like it made you weak you simply held back and pretended nothing was wrong.. I’m sure you felt really terrible right? – reasoning is because bottling things in isn’t healthy.

There is nothing wrong with crying actually I think we all would be better off if we allowed our self a little cry every once in awhile. 


So today if you are upset, happy, scared, allow those feelings to be felt. ♥

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Written & edited by Mellie White Writer and editor for Le Reve Magazine

I almost died two years ago

 

At the age of 17 you don’t think one would be concerned of something like Heart Failure, well two years ago September 9th 2016 this was what I seemed to be experiencing.

When talking or thinking of the events to follow on that night I still begin to cry because this was one of the most physically and mentally trying experiences I have had.

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Photo by ©Kate Pope Photography 

The realization that I was dying

The days that were to lead up to me passing out I was much more tired, constantly blacking out when I stood up and much more along with the very serious issues I had been having with my very low weight and gut health.

On the night of Sep 9th, I got up to go to the bathroom and suddenly found myself passed out laying on the floor. When I got back consciousness I stood up and ran to the toilet and started to vomit blood. Scared and confused my very first thought in this moment was “I think I’m dying”, I then carefully made my way down the elevator of the Ronald Mcdonald House into the kitchen where my mom was (I didn’t want to be alone because I was so afraid I would pass out again if not worse)

Not long later when back up in my room I let my mom know what had happened, of  course we then headed over to the ER assuming my P.O.T’s was flaring.

In the ER, they checked labs, vitals and admitted me for dangerously low potassium (might I add I had a GI appt early that morning where they had already checked potassium and didn’t call to let us know of my low potassium) I was admitted for what everyone thought would be a quick 24 hrs but once they checked my heart with an echocardiogram that was all to change.

Expecting results to be normal I was quite shocked and hysterical when the cardiologist made a visit to my room and in a very medically (confusing way) told me that I was suffering from Moderate “Congestive heart failure” shocked and tired I just cried. (we later found out the condition was due to a selenium deficiency which I have issues absorbing as well as Sepsis-Shock which I had experienced about a month before)

My 24 hr stay then turned into 30+ days in the hospital.

I can still remember how scared I was when the nurses all ran to my room because my heart monitor went crazy just from me doing something as simple as Brushing my teeth. (the doctors said that if I didn’t pass out I may not have survived even a week longer)


Almost giving up

This is what I called my hardest hospital stay, I have nearly died on more than one occasion so I know you may be thinking what would make this one so different. 

It felt as though everything I loved was being torn away from me, I was missing out on life, the doctors made it where I couldn’t walk for 30 straight days without a wheelchair due to the fact despite putting calories up I was still lacking in gaining the weight (due to a Crohn’s disease flare-up)

My confidence was being skyrocketing downward, I felt disgusting and ugly because I was a walking skeleton. I thought about on multiple occasions just giving up because I questioned if what I was doing is really going to help someone.

I the inspiration to so many lacked the inspiration myself, I don’t know how to describe Heart Failure except saying a lot happened some that I still can’t talk about due to the hurt I feel from it.  


The reason for it all

For so long I questioned the reason for it all, why me why did it happen. I think I finally have found what that was.

The whole experience opened my eyes to a lot, it was one of those things that really pushes you to grow-up and never take things for granted. I found out a lot in terms of who my real friends are and the importance of family.

Most important of all I learned that I can take this hurtful experience and turn it around in the most beautiful way, I will continue to follow my dream and I’m going to change this world in any way I can during my time on this earth because life is so so short. 


I want to end this saying,

Happy 2nd Anniversary Heart Failure”❣

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Written by writer & Editor of Le Reve Magazine, Mellie White